Is that how they remembered me or what they remember about me?

I have a big mouth.  The kind that seems funny for starters.  Not my greatest asset.  Not my worst either, though it has gotten me more than my fair share of problems.  I'm not blind to my self observation.  At least, I don’t think I am.  My personal opinion, about myself, I hope is realistic.  I know I seem funny and cool and all.  That's all good. 

Generally, I'd have to honestly say, I seem to get some sort of excitement in peoples' reaction to things I say.  Like watching my kids open gifts or my wife when I surprise her.  Nothing like it.  I really enjoy seeing people be happy and make them laugh.  This excitement I get builds some false confidence in me that just propels my words to the next level.  Trying to relate to them in an intimate way.  To establish the bond of trust and approbate myself to them.  In some ways, show an instant likeness to respect on impact.  This is not realistically possible, but the likeness leaves a favorable 1st impression.  The confidence I mentioned is false, I feel, because it is generated from words and not a genuine internal courage.  It's about as valid as the vapor on which it floats out on.  Real confidence from within takes time to build.  The fact that I have confidence to even talk to people is something I've had to build on over time.  I'm no Pitt or Clooney (except in age).  I don't have the luxury of looking awesome.  I've faced it, accepted it, and deal with it.  I'm born this way and don't have the funds to change that. 

Trying to talk to people when I was a teenager was almost too tough.  I was trying desperately to fit in at the beginning.  It wasn't until I embraced what I liked that I was able to have some confidence in my mannerism.  Conversation at that point was still nothing like it is today.  Nobody wants to talk to a acne-blasted, glasses-wearing, super skinny, teenager with messed up teeth and a different hair color every week.  It's just not in the cards no matter how great your personality or talents are.  I've known some pretty people.  They have been pretty every year I've known them.  Blonde bombshells, feisty redheads, brunettes with legs, guys that GQ, etc.  Just incredible looking people.  Some of them still are.  I could never really talk to them though.  I wasn't afforded those luxuries back then.  They stuck to their own and only seemed to venture beyond themselves if there was a benefit in some way.  I speak solely for the majority here not for that small percentage that doesn’t buy their own hype.  Over the years things have turned around.  I've filled out and look pretty normal.  The acne cleared up for the most part and I ditched the glasses after one too many grubby kids grabbed at them.  I toned down the worst parts of my chaotic personality, physically, and focused that more to my verbal skill.  People from my past whom I haven't seen in about 10 years or so always tell me the same general things.  Granted, 10 years is valid to warrant the notice of changes during the initial conversation upon reengaging the contact.  What I still don't get is what people will compliment on.  It makes me wonder 'is that how they remembered me or what they remember about me?'  All those things I've said prior are what people have remembered about me.  That sums up the whole of myself obviously.  It's just that I'm remembered as just one of those things most of the time to someone.  "Oh yeah!  The guy with the jacked up teeth that played guitar!", "Oh yeah!  The tall, skinny kid with all the acne!  He played that guitar.", "Oh yeah!  Buford and Bonne's son, with the purple hair and glasses.  He had that band.  Played guitar in it."  With the exception of playing guitar, someone always remembered one of the most negative things about me for, well, for the rest of their lives if they never saw me again.  This doesn't bother me so much now, I just kind of go with it.  It used to really get to me when I didn't know why they acted so different to me.  It wasn't until I met my wife that I understood exactly what other people are seeing.  What other people are remembering of me now.  Different versions of me.  I'm not sure which one I prefer.  Maybe the good skin of the guy I am today coupled with the more inhibited and physical intensity of the guy I was.  In some ways I am just happy to be what I am today.  A father and husband to an amazing family.  That plays guitar.  I'm kind of excited to see the guy I'll become in phase 3.  Needless to say, and to make this meandering story short, the confidence I have to personally talk to you has been a long time in the making.  I still initially feel timid on the inside but know that the possible outcome may be well worth it and that I may gain a new friend.  Don't be thrown at the humor and extra stuff I'm saying.  It's just trying to get to know you and ease into being comfortable with me.  Yuck.  That is embarrassing to say.  So what.  I would hope you remembered me not by some quick conversation meeting we had, in passing, that put me off as "some fake guy".  Instead, remember me rather as that guy with the blog that took the time to explain why the hell he's like that.

Stolen from Ewing Way!

A to Z of yours truly

A. Age: 32.

B. Bed size: Queen.

C. Chore that you hate: Folding laundry.

D. Dogs: A pretty lovable Shih Tzu.

E. Essential start to your day: Shower and coffee.

F. Favorite color: Blue.

G. Gold or Silver: Gold.

H. Height: 6'0".

I. Instruments you play: Guitar, bass, drums, dulcimer, double-bass, trumpet.

J. Job title: Aerospace Maintenance Technician.

K. Kids: 3.

L. Live: California.

M. Mother’s name: Spainhour.

N. Nicknames: Thrill Monroe, Rawdog, Opie, Williford, Wilberforce.

O. Overnight hospital stays: Twice I remember.

P. Pet peeves: "Whatever", "You know what I mean".

Q. Quote from a movie: "Do you have the Beatles' white album?".

R. Right or left handed: Right.

S. Siblings: No.

U. Underwear: I prefer traditional boxers but briefs work better for me.

V. Vegetable you hate: RADISH!

W. What makes you run late: Others.

X. X-Rays you’ve had: Teeth, back, leg.

Y. Yummy food that you make: I can't cook.  Grilled cheese?

Z. Zoo animal: Elephant.

The little loves of my life.

Kids are awesome.  I see them everywhere (obviously).  Some are precious little things and others you offer to ring their necks in sympathy for the parents ha ha ha!  Watching the journey of a child is pretty amazing though.  When they learn to talk, walk, develop personality, learn things in school, everything.  All from a small, helpless baby that needs you 24/7, to a cute little kid that thinks your hugs make it all better when they're hurt, to being a young adult that can't get away from you fast enough.  Truly amazing.  Here are the little loves of my life.

My oldest, Jaycie.  Her dad's daughter all the way.

Carter the Miracle Man.  Shown here at his 1st day of school this year.  Very silly.

Little sister, Phoebe.  Her mother's child.  Wild, cute, and all over the place.

What can I say? I am not a heat kinda person!

Well, I woke up this morning with the craziest swollen eye in a long time.  My first thought was that I'd been bit but I'm guessing just a swollen duct or something.  Eh...total yuck.  Had to wear the glasses today.  I won't bore you with a picture of it.  Instead I'll tell you about this guy I met about a month or so ago. 

It was a super hot, super humid night and I'm waiting for the bus.  The bus is late as usual and this civilian pulls up in his work truck.  I'm grateful that this guy picks me up seeing as it's just way too hot to be hanging outside for too long.  What can I say?  I'm not a heat kinda person!  So I hop in, with another person who was waiting, and notice the excessive amount of tattoos this guy has.  They are all really cool in the fact that you can tell they are his personal preferance at the time and not some massive sketch done around a central theme.  They are awesome!  I pick his brain a little about what he did and where he'd been.  He's an old Mariner that has been all over the world.  Port to port, the hard way.  Too many stories up there.  Pretty cool guy.  So I get to my stop and thank the guy for going out of his way.  When I get off work about 9 hours later, I'm in the same situation.  Stuck at another bus stop in the intense heat and humidity!  The same guy rolls through the bus stop on his way off his shift.  He recognizes me and offers me a lift back to camp.  I pick his brain about his tattoos this time and we talk about mine.  He later buys me a cup of coffee when I was broke.  Good people man, good people.  So, Jason, thanks for being cool to a stranger and for the coffee.  Made my night.

I love motorcycles!

To put this mildly, I love them.  Ever since I was a kid watching CHiP's on TBS I had been bitten by the motorcycle bug.  It even stems back to when I was a baby and my dad propped me up on his old Honda.  I leaned foward and reached for those handlebars.  Jump to today and it's my preferred mode of travel.  Nothing like it.  Playing guitar and making music in a band is fun.  It is more like a tool to convey how I feel at the moment.  The motorcycle is a complete escape.  Hitting the road and losing it all.  Here is just a sampling of what I feel are the baddest bikes on road today.

Lastly, a picture of what I feel is the spirit of better times.  A picture of the Boozefighters M.C.  The pic says 48' but I think in their book it was actually in 47'.

'The Total Package'!

I am a statistic of a statistic currently in two more statistics.  Adopted into a divorced family.  Married with kids, divorced and remarried.  These are the so-called statistics.  But theses days the more complicated situations seem to be the norm.  I am in a different place than where I started.  Defnintely from where I had originally planned!  I am remarried.  I have a new little girl.  Three kids is a great number to have.  I lucked out.  All three of them are completely different and offer a unique style.  I could not be where I am without my wife.  Man, she's a keeper.  As one person put "she's what I like to call, 'The Total Package'!"  Though this statement came at the wrong time (more on that story at a future date) I can't deny that it is completely true!  She is truly incredible!  She has her modes.  I've seen her bust the teeth out of a dog's head one day, then care for some of the most injured children I've ever seen on the next.  I can't really describe her very easily.  I could try, but the complexities of her amaze me too much to accomplish this order.  Some immediate qualities are that she's tough, real, cool, loving, enduring, genuine, and totally committed to her Lord and to being my wife as well as mom and role-model for my three kids.  I couldn't have asked for anything more.  I don't know what I did to deserve her, and I can't comprehend why she loves me and thinks I'm the knees.  It makes no literal sense.  I just know that when she looks into my eyes and tells me "I love you" she means it and wouldn't be here if she didn't want to be.  Listed below are some special moments between us.

We're human, and we have to deal with that.

So, every once in awhile, without meaning too, I'll throw on some Deftones.  Instantly, I flash back to that time of my life as it was in late 07’.  When it was so easy to learn to be REALLY happy again.  I was listening to a lot of Deftones at the time.  Due to the proximity of the low tunings and the sweep of Chino's voice mixed in with the decision to divorce my wife at the time.  This makes for some very sad feelings as well as heartache for the future.  What a trial.  In life not the legality.  Listed in the further text are my thoughts on how the songs would speak to me during that winter.  I was living in a 8x6 foot room with no windows or anything really.  Just a lamp, clothes and air mattress.  To say it was a rough time would cheapen the feeling and be a blatantly inaccurate description.  Here it goes anyway...

"Hexagram".  As if I were already free again.  After so many years of false joy and cynicism in the overall life I'd been living.  It wasn't a lie all the time, but it wasn't real, genuine or happy.  For the first time in my adult life, I was being totally honest and enjoying rediscovering myself.  Who I was.  Or thought I was.  There was no coldness in the air, to me, during that initial period for some reason.  It seemed so simple.  Live honestly, live realistically, live happily. 

The intensity of "Needles and Pins".  Knowing that this song played out as the soundtrack, and script, to some sweat-free embraces in an empty house speaks it's own volume.  There was nothing to be scared of, there was no disease, there was no hindrance.  There was no oddity or hang up.  There were two people living in each other’s eyes and souls.  Desperately escaping to a self-made reality that was quickly turning very real.  “Tune out everyone in the crowd, because now it’s just me and you.  Make a pact to each other when no one's around put the crowd between me and you.  Who wants to f*** with us now?”  Crazy stuff right?  It was just starting!  I say that as being excited.  I'm meaning it as more shocking.  The excitement came with a spiral that no one in their right mind would want to willingly get on.  There I was though.  Thinking I could prep myself to endure it without being too hurt.  I don't care who you are.  Going through a divorce is not easy.

"Battle-Axe".  All I can think of is the immense cold freeze I suddenly felt once reality set in.  The new year of 08’.  Staying in that small room, with that small light, on that small bed.  All my small things and clothes around me.  No windows or feeling.  Just trying to figure out what to do for the future.  So much sadness in my heart and life.  

"Beware" makes its first appearance here.  “You should know (by now) really that this could end, really you should know I could never make it work (wake up) it's pretend, really”.  Realistically letting go of her.  Trying to fight the emotion in real time, that my mind had already gotten over so many times before, in make believe.  The wrath she put on me while she was still there.  Trying to be happy with my beautiful children and still be “dad” to them.  Not wanting to live with what I thought was a real "loving relationship" anymore.  I was comfortable in this illusion for a long time this way.  This song represents hurt I was feeling knowing someone was hurting just like me somewhere out there.  Out there on the air.  My phone would just crackle and there she appeared.  From the air for all I knew.  I have these feelings forever stamped on this particular song.  Oh how pivotal the Deftones seemed to be then.

"Hole in The Earth".  Where does fit in this collection of months?  Late January?  Isolation coupled with longing.  This song makes some sense of hope realistic with the help of a Phoenix that popped up on the internet.  It offers incredible verbal strength to drive a fight that MUST be confronted even though I wanted to avoid it all together.  The image of the Phoenix has been coupled with this song in my mind ever since.

Now...when it all ended, it hurt my heart more than I had ever known.  When I drove my family to the airport and said goodbye, I watch them walk away from my everyday life for good.  The aftermath from this moment made my mind and body become just as empty as house they left behind felt that winter.  The duality in pattern for this event was that I knew there would be joy in the renewal process.  I knew that after this, I would not be on my own.  I knew that for the first time in almost a decade, I would have the freedom to be where I wanted.  I was so happy for all of this!  Yet, all this was completely overshadowed by the incredible loss that was happening right before my eyes.  To the rest of the world watching in, it was just some guy splitting up from his wife.  Just an uninteresting event. 

"Anniversary Of An Uninteresting Event".  How can you sum it all up so easy?  I don't think it can.  With this song.  It seemed, to kill the old and refresh the present into the new.

Crazy isn't it?  The story itself is pretty graphic, intense, sad, filled with moral standards both good and bad, and ultimately heartbreaking like nothing I'd ever encountered at the time.  I lost what I thought was my life all along.  I let it all go to be myself and not become some old man that had never been honest to anyone or himself.  It wasn't fair to the others I'd hurt and let down.  My ex-wife, my kids, my job.  The list goes on and on.  We all make our choices and should be in the right frame of mind when we do so.  But realistically I know this is never the case in life.  We're human, and we have to deal with that.  This is my first major time I've made a choice that destroyed what I had and those around me.  But I'm one of the most happiest men alive today because I went through it.  Not much can be said from that statement.  I'm sure it can be taken several ways, though I only mean it as one.  Mine. ;)

A regular day.

I guess I could show you what my life is like with a few pics me and my trusty "wi-fi only" iphone have been taking.  It changes depending on the day but this is the foundation.

What it looks like when I wake up.  The sunset.

I never get to stay and see what's up.  Vertical Horizon was playing.  I had to work :(

I get a cup of coffee on my way to the bus stop.

There are stickers all over the place inside.  Talking smack with a misspelling...tact!

The night drags on...coffee time again.  If you've ever bought me a "Cup Of Joe", this is where I use them.  Thanks!

They have this cat holding it's crotch on top of their refrigerator.  Odd, but amusing.

This is what it looks like when I get off work.  The sunrise.

And during the day...dusty, hot, gross.  Given, this is a bad day.  The normal days are just super bright, super hot, super yuck.

Uno.

The 1st blog.  The moment it starts ha ha!  Eh...sure.  It's been 5 months since I've been deployed here to the desert.  Not a whole lot has gone on.  Watched a couple of seasons of Mad Men, made some friends, learned a little German, some Krav, skyped somewhat successfully, and I'm able to make free phone calls.  The temperature is crazy hot out here (who woulda thought right?) but there is an up side.  I'm in the a/c all night long, I get to eat well, I still play guitar for people.  Good things in my immediate surroundings.  Missing a lot of stuff from the Nor Cal.  Kitten, Jc, Carter, Jr, Boo Boo, my extended family, being able to ride my Dyna...  Hopefully this time is almost up.